Why Are Toddlers Having More Tantrums
If it feels like your toddler's tantrums are getting more frequent or more intense, you are not imagining it. There is a real reason behind the increase, and it has more to do with how your child is growing than with anything you are doing wrong.
On this page
What is really going on during a tantrum
A tantrum is not a sign of a bad child or a bad parent. It is a sign of a brain that is still being built. Toddlers have big feelings but very little ability to manage them. The part of the brain that helps with self-control, planning and calming down, the prefrontal cortex, is still years away from being ready. When a toddler has a tantrum, they are not being difficult on purpose. They are overwhelmed.
Think of it like this. A toddler has the emotional intensity of an adult but the coping skills of someone who has been alive for only two or three years. Every small frustration can feel like a crisis. A broken biscuit, a cup that is the wrong colour, being told it is time to leave the park, these are not minor annoyances to a toddler. They are genuine losses.
Why tantrums can seem to increase around certain ages
Tantrums often peak between 18 months and three years. That is not a coincidence. Around this time, children are developing a stronger sense of themselves as separate people. They want independence but do not yet have the language or physical skills to get what they need. So they get frustrated.
A child who could not talk at 12 months may now have a few words, but not enough to explain that they wanted the blue cup, not the red one. A child who could not walk at 15 months may now run, but not well enough to keep up with an older sibling. Every gap between what they want to do and what they can do is a potential tantrum.
Another reason tantrums can seem to increase is that toddlers are also learning about rules. They test boundaries constantly. That is healthy. But being told "no" over and over in a day builds up a lot of frustration, especially when they do not yet understand why the rule exists.
What makes tantrums more likely
Some things make it easier for a tantrum to happen. If you know what they are, you can often prevent one before it starts.
- Tiredness. An overtired toddler has almost no ability to cope. A nap or an earlier bedtime can change everything.
- Hunger. Low blood sugar makes anyone irritable. A small snack before an errand or a meal can help.
- Overstimulation. Too much noise, too many people, too much screen time or a long day out can overload a toddler's system. They need quiet, predictable time to reset. You might find the page on How Can I Tell If My Baby Is Tired or Overstimulated helpful here.
- Transitions. Moving from one activity to another is hard for toddlers. Leaving a favourite toy, getting into a car seat, putting on shoes, these are moments when tantrums often happen.
- Illness or teething. When a child does not feel well, their tolerance for frustration drops to zero.
A construction worker from Nepal living in Doha told me once that his two-year-old would scream every evening when he came home from work. He thought it meant she was angry with him. But after a few weeks he noticed it only happened if he came home late. She was not angry. She was exhausted and relieved at the same time, and the only way she could let that out was to cry and thrash.
What you can do in the moment
When a tantrum is happening, your job is not to fix it or to teach a lesson. Your job is to stay calm and keep your child safe. That is enough.
- Stay near. Your presence is calming, even if they push you away.
- Keep your voice low and your movements slow. If you get loud or fast, it adds to their overwhelm.
- Do not try to reason with them during the peak. Their thinking brain is offline. Wait until they have calmed down.
- If they are a danger to themselves or others, move them to a safe space gently. You do not need to explain why until later.
For a full guide on what to do during and after a tantrum, see How Do I Respond to a Toddler Tantrum.
What you can do between tantrums
The best way to reduce tantrums over time is to work on the conditions that cause them. That does not mean you can stop all tantrums, you cannot, but you can make them less frequent and shorter.
- Build in predictable routines. Toddlers feel safer when they know what comes next. A visual chart with pictures for morning and bedtime can help.
- Give choices where you can. "Do you want to wear the red socks or the blue socks?" gives them a sense of control without giving them too much.
- Name feelings for them. "You are angry because the tower fell down." Over time, this builds the language they need to express feelings instead of acting them out.
- Watch for early signs. A child who is about to tantrum often shows small signs first, whining, stiffening, rubbing eyes. If you catch it early, you can sometimes redirect.
- Make sure they are getting enough sleep. Poor sleep affects mood and self-control in toddlers just as it does in adults. The page on How Much Sleep Do Babies and Toddlers Need can give you a sense of what is typical for your child's age.
When it feels like too much
Parenting a toddler through this stage is exhausting. If you are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated or ashamed, that is normal. But it also matters.
- If you feel yourself getting angry during a tantrum, it is okay to step away for a minute. Put your child in a safe place like a cot or a playpen and go to another room. Take five deep breaths. Come back when you feel steadier.
- If you are worried that you might hurt your child, or if you have already hurt them, speak to your GP or family doctor. They can help you find support. You can also look for a therapist through the professionals directory.
- If you are parenting alone, or far from family, or in a country where you do not speak the language well, the isolation can make everything harder. A PhD student from China in Edinburgh told me she felt like a failure because her daughter had tantrums in the supermarket. She had no one to tell her it was normal. It was normal.
A note on different families and cultures
How families handle tantrums varies a lot. In some cultures, a child is expected to be quiet and obedient, and a tantrum feels like a failure of the whole family. In others, a tantrum is seen as a phase that will pass. Neither approach is wrong. But if your family or community expects a level of control that your toddler cannot give, that pressure can make you feel worse.
You do not have to follow advice that does not fit your values. The core idea is the same everywhere: a tantrum is a signal that your child is overwhelmed and needs your calm presence. How you provide that presence can look different in different homes.
When to get help
Most tantrums are normal and will pass as your child grows. But sometimes there is more going on. Consider speaking to a professional if:
- Tantrums happen several times a day and last longer than 30 minutes
- Your child hurts themselves or others regularly during tantrums
- You feel like you cannot cope and it is affecting your own mental health
- Your child's behaviour is causing problems at nursery or with other children
You can start with your GP or family doctor. They can refer you to a child psychologist or a parent support service. Therapy O'Clock also connects you with psychologists who work with parents and young children. You do not need to wait until things feel desperate. A single conversation can help you understand what is normal and what needs attention.
Your toddler is not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time. And you are the person they need most during that hard time.
Questions people ask
At what age do tantrums peak?
Tantrums usually peak between 18 months and three years. This is when children want independence but do not yet have the skills to manage their feelings or communicate well. After age three, most children start to calm down as their language and self-control improve.
Is it normal for my toddler to have tantrums every day?
Yes, daily tantrums are common at this age, especially around transitions like mealtimes, bedtimes or leaving somewhere fun. If they happen many times a day and last a long time, it is worth checking for things like tiredness, hunger or overstimulation.
Should I ignore a tantrum or try to stop it?
It depends on the situation. If your child is safe, staying nearby without engaging can work well. If they are in danger or upsetting others, a calm, quiet presence and gentle redirection usually helps more than ignoring or punishing.
Can tantrums mean something is wrong with my child?
Usually not. Tantrums are a normal part of development. But if they are very frequent, very long, or involve aggression that does not improve as your child gets older, it can help to speak to a professional to rule out other issues.
Why does my toddler have more tantrums with me than with other people?
That is a good sign. Children save their biggest feelings for the person they feel safest with. If your toddler holds it together at nursery but falls apart at home, it means they trust you to hold their emotions.
How do I stop a tantrum in public without losing my temper?
Focus on safety and calm, not on what strangers think. Move to a quieter spot if you can. Speak in a low voice. If you feel your own anger rising, take a pause. Most people have been where you are.
Can screen time cause more tantrums?
It can. Screens are very stimulating and switching away from them is hard for a toddler. If you notice more tantrums after screen time, try reducing it or giving a five-minute warning before it ends.
What if my toddler holds their breath during a tantrum?
This is frightening but usually harmless. The body will make them breathe again. Stay calm, do not shake them, and do not put anything in their mouth. If it happens often, mention it to your doctor.
My toddler bites or hits during tantrums. Is that normal?
Yes, many toddlers lash out physically when they are overwhelmed. They do not mean to hurt. Gently stop them, say "I will not let you hit me," and stay close. Over time, as their language grows, the hitting usually fades.
Should I apologise to other people after a public tantrum?
A quick "sorry, we are having a tough moment" is fine. You do not need to explain or feel ashamed. Most parents understand.
Can I prevent tantrums by giving my toddler what they want?
Sometimes it is smart to pick your battles. But if you always give in, the tantrums may get worse because your child learns that crying works. A balance of firm limits and empathy is usually best.
How do I calm myself down when my toddler is having a tantrum?
Take a breath. Remind yourself that this is normal and will pass. If you can, step into another room for a moment. Your calm is the most helpful thing you can offer your child, and it is hard to be calm if you are flooded yourself.